Thoughts for the new year..........

Is it possible to never hurry, but to get everything done?

It seems contradictory to our modern world, where everything is a rush, where we try to cram as much into every minute of the day as possible, where if we are not busy, we feel unproductive and lazy.

In fact, often we compete by trying to show how busy we are. I have a thousand projects to do! Oh yeah? I have 10,000! The winner is the person who has the most insane schedule, who rushes from one thing to the next with the energy of a hummingbird, because obviously that means he’s the most successful and important.

Right?

Maybe not. Maybe we’re playing the wrong game — we’ve been conditioned to believe that busier is better, but actually the speed of doing is not as important as what we focus on doing.

Maybe we’re going at the wrong speed. Maybe if we are constantly rushing, we will miss out on life itself. Let’s let go of the obsession with speed, and instead slow down, stop rushing, and enjoy life.

And still get everything done.

Let’s look at how.

A Change of Mindset
The most important step is a realization that life is better when you move at a slower, more relaxed pace, instead of hurrying and rushing and trying to cram too much into every day. Instead, get the most out of every moment.

Is a book better if you speed read it, or if you take your time and get lost in it?

Is a song better if you skim through it, or if you take the time to really listen?

Is food better if you cram it down your throat, or if you savor every bite and really appreciate the flavor?

Is your work better if you’re trying to do 10 things at once, or if you really pour yourself into one important task?

Is your time spent with a friend or loved one better if you have a rushed meeting interrupted by your emails and text messages, or if you can relax and really focus on the person?

Life as a whole is better if you go slowly, and take the time to savor it, appreciate every moment. That’s the simplest reason to slow down.

And so, you’ll need to change your mindset (if you’ve been stuck in a rushed mindset until now). To do this, make the simple admission that life is better when savored, that work is better with focus. Then make the commitment to give that a try, to take some of the steps below.

But I Can’t Change!
There will be some among you who will admit that it would be nice to slow down, but you just can’t do it … your job won’t allow it, or you’ll lose income if you don’t do as many projects, or living in the city makes it too difficult to go slowly. It’s a nice ideal if you’re living on a tropical island, or out in the country, or if you have a job that allows control of your schedule … but it’s not realistic for your life.

I mean "come on".

Take responsibility for your life. If your job forces you to rush, take control of it. Make changes in what you do, in how you work. Work with your boss to make changes if necessary. And if really necessary, you can eventually change jobs. You are responsible for your life.

If you live in a city where everyone rushes, realize that you don’t have to be like everyone else. You can be different. You can walk instead of driving in rush hour traffic. You can have fewer meetings. You can work on fewer but more important things. You can be on your iPhone or Blackberry less, and be disconnected sometimes. Your environment doesn’t control your life — you do.

I’m not going to tell you how to take responsibility for your life, but once you make the decision, the how will become apparent over time.

Tips for a Slower-Paced Life
I can’t give you a step-by-step guide to moving slower, but here are some things to consider and perhaps adopt, if they work for your life. Some things might require you to change some major things, but they can be done over time.

1. Do less. Cut back on your projects, on your task list, on how much you try to do each day. Focus not on quantity but quality. Pick 2-3 important things — or even just one important thing — and work on those first. Save smaller, routine tasks for later in the day, but give yourself time to focus.
   
2. Have fewer meetings. Meetings are usually a big waste of time. And they eat into your day, forcing you to squeeze the things you really need to do into small windows, and making you rush. Try to have blocks of time with no interruptions, so you don’t have to rush from one meeting to another.
3. Practice disconnecting. Have times when you turn off your devices and your email notifications and whatnot. Time with no phone calls, when you’re just creating, or when you’re just spending time with someone, or just reading a book, or just taking a walk, or just eating mindfully. You can even disconnect for (gasp!) an entire day, and you won’t be hurt. I promise.
4. Give yourself time to get ready and get there. If you’re constantly rushing to appointments or other places you have to be, it’s because you don’t allot enough time in your schedule for preparing and for traveling. Pad your schedule to allow time for this stuff. If you think it only takes you 10 minutes to get ready for work or a date, perhaps give yourself 30-45 minutes so you don’t have to shave in a rush or put on makeup in the car. If you think you can get there in 10 minutes, perhaps give yourself 2-3 times that amount so you can go at a leisurely pace and maybe even get there early.
5. Practice being comfortable with sitting, doing nothing. One thing I’ve noticed is that when people have to wait, they become impatient or uncomfortable. They want their mobile device or at least a magazine, because standing and waiting is either a waste of time or something they’re not used to doing without feeling self-conscious. Instead, try just sitting there, looking around, soaking in your surroundings. Try standing in line and just watching and listening to people around you. It takes practice, but after awhile, you’ll do it with a smile.
6. Realize that if it doesn’t get done, that’s OK. There’s always tomorrow. And yes, I know that’s a frustrating attitude for some of you who don’t like laziness or procrastination or living without firm deadlines, but it’s also reality. The world likely won’t end if you don’t get that task done today. Your boss might get mad, but the company won’t collapse and the life will inevitably go on. And the things that need to get done will.
7. Start to eliminate the unnecessary. When you do the important things with focus, without rush, there will be things that get pushed back, that don’t get done. And you need to ask yourself: how necessary are these things? What would happen if I stopped doing them? How can I eliminate them, delegate them, automate them?
8. Practice mindfulness. Simply learn to live in the present, rather than thinking so much about the future or the past. When you eat, fully appreciate your food. When you’re with someone, be with them fully. When you’re walking, appreciate your surroundings, no matter where you are.
   
9. Slowly eliminate commitments. We’re over committed, which is why we’re rushing around so much. I don’t just mean with work — projects and meetings and the like. Parents have tons of things to do with and for their kids, and we over commit our kids as well. Many of us have busy social lives, or civic commitments, or are coaching or playing on sports teams. We have classes and groups and hobbies. But in trying to cram so much into our lives, we’re actually deteriorating the quality of those lives. Slowly eliminate commitments — pick 4-5 essential ones, and realize that the rest, while nice or important, just don’t fit right now. Politely inform people, over time, that you don’t have time to stick to those commitments.

Try these things out. Life is better when unrushed. And given the fleeting nature of this life, why waste even a moment by rushing through it?

All the best for this coming year 2011

Kids and creativity

When I think back on how I grew up in the west coast of Scotland, I often hear the faint comments of relatives saying "you want to be an artist? You better back that up with another job you can fall back on" or "but you really have to be good, if you want to earn money with it". I remember very well, how it felt the first time I showed my Granny a drawing I was very proud of and told her I wanted to grow up and be a painter. Her face expression was one I had never seen before that day. It seemed like a mixture of disgust in the sense "what makes you think you can do that? You think you are something better". As a teenager I felt bad and wrong on that day. I decided to take a break from drawing, as I felt I was not good enough. This break lasted a long time.

After all that has been written about creativity, we should be informed that, that is the only way out of certain problems, one may have. I know allot of people that work too much and find their lives very boring. They go day in and day out to the same place and find that their life has no meaning. They become sick, depressed and lonely.
The key to get back to happiness is being creative. Write a journal, paint or start playing an instrument. I know I know, most of you would say "I am not talented at this or that" but that is unfortunately what you have been told all these years. Creativity can be found in many places. Planting flowers on the balcony, painting the kitchen cupboard or even rearranging a room is all creative work. It touches a part in you that all other work doesn`t. Our well being is very much defined through this part of our lives we always seem to neglect.

Another problem is that nowadays we are always focused on results rather than the process. When we think of writing, we think of the book cover and bestselling lists, without even having written a page. When we think about painting, we want to be in the same league as Picasso. Making music, seems to only mean something if we could hear it on the radio.
In our house art, writing and music is part of our life. There are always paints on the table and paper to grab. Instruments are all over to just pick up and play. Our kids love writing journals in the morning. When they miss a day, I notice, cause their mood is very different. Writing a journal in the morning after awaking, is like cleansing your head from all thoughts that bother you.
I encourage the arts at all times and just want to build a foundation they could always fall back on to when they are grownups.

I know that most parents draw with their kids and support their hobbies in music etc. but somehow when they get to a certain age that all becomes, "just play" cause as parents we all want to see our kids in "real" jobs. We would never tell them to study medicine and try and back it up with another job, in case being a doctor does not work out. I do think that is is our job to let our kids follow their dreams, cause only in our acceptance can they really find out what it truly is they want to do.

My only advice is, to keep the relatives bad comments out of the game.
So, go and enjoy your kids drawings, writings and their music. And you should do some of that, too. Remember you have to be the change, that you want to see in your kids.
Have a lovely day.

I want to go back to bottles and nappies!!!!!!!!!

This is how I feel today! Why? My eldest daughter is 13. She has a boyfriend. I used to always stress, that she is only 13 and now I catch myself telling everybody - "well,she is nearly 14" in order for me to feel better? I am not sure, but I am now confronted with all sorts of things Kissing or "Tonsil-tennis" as her little sister calls it. She is 11 and still my "baby" she is my watchdog and informs me on every details her big sister is up to.

When your kids enter a different stage in their life, then your life can either be pleasant or full of horror. I mean it starts with sleepovers. These take place regularly in our house and they all sleep in the same room. They chat till the morning hours and then fall asleep. When they part the next day, they are all dreamy and lazy until they are alone with the parents. They transform into demons from the dark and make your life hell. They take 48 hours to recover and in between that they are surely trying to plan the next sleepovers. That is why I hate them. Cause the truth is, they actually don't sleep. But now having a boyfriend, these sleepovers turn me and my husband into undercover CIA agents on the watch! We turn into demons and the lack of sleep reminds us of the days when we took turns carrying our baby girl around through a dark house, cause she was ill or teething. Gone are those days, we are already missing so much. But I cannot have this website and complain without whipping up some kind of solution to you all out there.
Teens need clear instructions on what is going to happen. Their brains are "under construction" and unable to follow complex orders or plans. That is why I have limited my talking to "rules" I make clear what is allowed and how sleeping arrangements will be. I know that if they are up to things beyond kissing they will do it anyhow. But if I offer them a warm bed in the middle of the night and let them even share a bed, then I am actually inviting them to go and "do their own thing". I am just learning and trying to find the best ways. At the same time, I am aware of the fact that what works out with the eldest,will be a totally different ballgame with the other kids that are about to follow in that direction.

Yes, I do miss the "baby days" but I also enjoy talking to my teenager about all big things and small things. I love to see, how she slowly matures and makes up her own mind about the world around her. I embrace the relationship I have with her and I feel brave and so connected to her, as she knows she can tell me anything. But, yes I am scared about allot of things I may decide wrong. It is not easy but it is a journey we all have to take with our kids. So, hang in there I am telling you and myself, keep your ears and your heart open and it will be just fine.

Back from the south of France

After all these weeks of absence, what can one say? I got caught in a film set with Russel Crowe? Or I had to meet brangelina in Venice - or maybe I was in Santa Barbara trying Meryl Streeps favorite Croissants.
I could tell you anything - and I am sure you can imagine I was busy - and that in combination with traveling with the kids - was allot of work. One thing I did notice in being gone - When you take a break from your daily life and all the things you have in your home and all the commitments you need to somehow follow up on, there is something truly beautiful in taking the family into a different setting with less of everything.

A selection of toys made the boys go out and venture the world. A selection of books made me focus on what I really wanted to read. A guitar turned my girls into songwriters and best buddies after sharing a room. We had a splendid time just being ourselves. One must stress, that there was no computer or other electrical devices around.
Being a close family already, on our holidays we just pushed that little bit more together, that made it perfect. Spending time together cooking, reading or just playing a game with no pressure from the outside - this puts your life back into perspective. Now being back home, the kids are relaxed and actually NO - they are not running to the WI or the computer to log on to facebook. We have landed and have slowly unpacked our things and are now starting to talk about little things such as " remember when we climbed that mountain and there was a monk up there talking to a tree?" Yes, we are all connected and recharged. I can only recommend it to anyone. If it is possible, book a house for 4 to 6 weeks and take your life to a different place, climate and culture. Believe me, you see much clearer afterwards.
I promise to write more in the next days.

For your kid`s sake and for your own

do you remember that first baby growing in you and you were determined to do everything right from the start. Trying to intellectually stimulate them with music is only the beginning of endless ideas on how to be the super parent with the super kid.

I remember it very clear. But after four kids I have learned a lesson - even more than one.

These are just suggestions. And I am aware of the fact that some points are hard to adapt to, but one thing is for sure if you want a less controlled environment where the whole family feels safe and free then obviously that would lead to better relationships.

Have you ever counted how many times a day you say the word NO? It is an instinct. A child feels controlled and you feel stressed. Just let go. Try and avoid NO and work around it to make it sound more positive "That sounds like a great idea, let`s keep that in mind".

When you get angry, it is mostly because you are only seeing one side - your side. Kids have a completely different view of the situation and if you try to understand that view, you certainly will not be angry anymore. You will be more motivated to make her feel better.

Sometimes giving a hug instead of scolding or other controlling methods, makes the world of difference.

The truth is, your child will most of the time not listen exactly what you say but be very much aware in what you do. So, actions count more. A sibling watching you comfort another sibling will learn from that situation.

One word that often does not go with the word child is Respect. I am shocked to see how little respect kids get because they are kids.

One example. A mother is taking a nap on the sofa. Her teenage son turns up his music. The mother is annoyed and bursts into her son`s room (without respectfully knocking) and pulls the plug and shouts "If you ever turn that music up as loud again, I will take your stereo and keep it for a month.

Now, try and imagine the same situation with her husband listening to music in the other room while she is resting. Would she shout at him like that? Most certainly not.
So, why is it that the visitor can break a glas and if the child does it, we hold a long monologue on what she has done wrong and how awful you find this, cause it was your favorite cup. The visitor will hear nothing of this - instead we will try to not make him feel awkward. ........ ....... strange world.

We tend to try and over educate our kids. My advice - get out of the way cause kids learn naturally, without our doing. Stop trying to force a kid to learn what only you think he needs to learn. Instead keep encouraging to explore, read and find out things. Parents should get excited about things, be passionate cause remember C.G. Jung said "If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see weather it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."
So, you go out there and find your passion.
Now, just relax......I am a relaxed parent and still feel time rushing past too fast. You know when you talk to older people where their kids are out of the house. You can divide these older folks in 2 groups. Some will say," isn`t is great to have back that freedom when they finally grow up" - and the others will just say " enjoy your kids". I am kind of in the favor for enjoying my kids NOW. The other group has rushed through bringing up their kids and have maybe never been "touched" by this great being.
But one thing is for sure, you will never forget those happy moments when you said yes, when you let your child play and develop at their own pace, when you stopped controlling and started enjoying with love.
Think about it.

Do it NOW!

sorry for not writing much lately. I was busy with colds and birthdaypartys. Today I do not really want to write much. I was thinking this morning about all the families that are together today on a Sunday. I was also thinking of all the parents being at home, needing to chill out before the rat race starts Monday. But this is my little thought to you, today.
Consider what you give your attention to each day. It’s a precious resource, and determines the shape of your life.
Take your kids and go for a walk. Use the drive to talk about things. Or just play a game together. Explore your kids face - when was the last time you done that? There will be changes, but you will not notice if you do not look more.

Enjoy your family. That should be your chilling out.

N.J.

Just slow down

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~ Lao Tzu

Consider the above quote from Lao Tzu, (perhaps mythical) father of Taoism: how can it be true?

Is it possible to never hurry, but to get everything done?

It seems contradictory to our modern world, where everything is a rush, where we try to cram as much into every minute of the day as possible, where if we are not busy, we feel unproductive and lazy.

In fact, often we compete by trying to show how busy we are. I have a thousand projects to do! Oh yeah? I have 10,000! The winner is the person who has the most insane schedule, who rushes from one thing to the next with the energy of a hummingbird, because obviously that means he’s the most successful and important.

Right?

Maybe not. Maybe we’re playing the wrong game — we’ve been conditioned to believe that busier is better, but actually the speed of doing is not as important as what we focus on doing.

Maybe we’re going at the wrong speed. Maybe if we are constantly rushing, we will miss out on life itself. Let’s let go of the obsession with speed, and instead slow down, stop rushing, and enjoy life.

And still get everything done.

Let’s look at how.

A Change of Mindset
The most important step is a realization that life is better when you move at a slower, more relaxed pace, instead of hurrying and rushing and trying to cram too much into every day. Instead, get the most out of every moment.

Is a book better if you speed read it, or if you take your time and get lost in it?

Is a song better if you skim through it, or if you take the time to really listen?

Is food better if you cram it down your throat, or if you savor every bite and really appreciate the flavor?

Is your work better if you’re trying to do 10 things at once, or if you really pour yourself into one important task?

Is your time spent with a friend or loved one better if you have a rushed meeting interrupted by your emails and text messages, or if you can relax and really focus on the person?

Life as a whole is better if you go slowly, and take the time to savor it, appreciate every moment. That’s the simplest reason to slow down.

And so, you’ll need to change your mindset (if you’ve been stuck in a rushed mindset until now). To do this, make the simple admission that life is better when savored, that work is better with focus. Then make the commitment to give that a try, to take some of the steps below.

But I Can’t Change!
There will be some among you who will admit that it would be nice to slow down, but you just can’t do it … your job won’t allow it, or you’ll lose income if you don’t do as many projects, or living in the city makes it too difficult to go slowly. It’s a nice ideal if you’re living on a tropical island, or out in the country, or if you have a job that allows control of your schedule … but it’s not realistic for your life.

I mean "come on".

Take responsibility for your life. If your job forces you to rush, take control of it. Make changes in what you do, in how you work. Work with your boss to make changes if necessary. And if really necessary, you can eventually change jobs. You are responsible for your life.

If you live in a city where everyone rushes, realize that you don’t have to be like everyone else. You can be different. You can walk instead of driving in rush hour traffic. You can have fewer meetings. You can work on fewer but more important things. You can be on your iPhone or Blackberry less, and be disconnected sometimes. Your environment doesn’t control your life — you do.

I’m not going to tell you how to take responsibility for your life, but once you make the decision, the how will become apparent over time.

Tips for a Slower-Paced Life
I can’t give you a step-by-step guide to moving slower, but here are some things to consider and perhaps adopt, if they work for your life. Some things might require you to change some major things, but they can be done over time.

1. Do less. Cut back on your projects, on your task list, on how much you try to do each day. Focus not on quantity but quality. Pick 2-3 important things — or even just one important thing — and work on those first. Save smaller, routine tasks for later in the day, but give yourself time to focus.
   
2. Have fewer meetings. Meetings are usually a big waste of time. And they eat into your day, forcing you to squeeze the things you really need to do into small windows, and making you rush. Try to have blocks of time with no interruptions, so you don’t have to rush from one meeting to another.
3. Practice disconnecting. Have times when you turn off your devices and your email notifications and whatnot. Time with no phone calls, when you’re just creating, or when you’re just spending time with someone, or just reading a book, or just taking a walk, or just eating mindfully. You can even disconnect for (gasp!) an entire day, and you won’t be hurt. I promise.
4. Give yourself time to get ready and get there. If you’re constantly rushing to appointments or other places you have to be, it’s because you don’t allot enough time in your schedule for preparing and for traveling. Pad your schedule to allow time for this stuff. If you think it only takes you 10 minutes to get ready for work or a date, perhaps give yourself 30-45 minutes so you don’t have to shave in a rush or put on makeup in the car. If you think you can get there in 10 minutes, perhaps give yourself 2-3 times that amount so you can go at a leisurely pace and maybe even get there early.
5. Practice being comfortable with sitting, doing nothing. One thing I’ve noticed is that when people have to wait, they become impatient or uncomfortable. They want their mobile device or at least a magazine, because standing and waiting is either a waste of time or something they’re not used to doing without feeling self-conscious. Instead, try just sitting there, looking around, soaking in your surroundings. Try standing in line and just watching and listening to people around you. It takes practice, but after awhile, you’ll do it with a smile.
6. Realize that if it doesn’t get done, that’s OK. There’s always tomorrow. And yes, I know that’s a frustrating attitude for some of you who don’t like laziness or procrastination or living without firm deadlines, but it’s also reality. The world likely won’t end if you don’t get that task done today. Your boss might get mad, but the company won’t collapse and the life will inevitably go on. And the things that need to get done will.
7. Start to eliminate the unnecessary. When you do the important things with focus, without rush, there will be things that get pushed back, that don’t get done. And you need to ask yourself: how necessary are these things? What would happen if I stopped doing them? How can I eliminate them, delegate them, automate them?
8. Practice mindfulness. Simply learn to live in the present, rather than thinking so much about the future or the past. When you eat, fully appreciate your food. When you’re with someone, be with them fully. When you’re walking, appreciate your surroundings, no matter where you are.
   
9. Slowly eliminate commitments. We’re over committed, which is why we’re rushing around so much. I don’t just mean with work — projects and meetings and the like. Parents have tons of things to do with and for their kids, and we overcoming our kids as well. Many of us have busy social lives, or civic commitments, or are coaching or playing on sports teams. We have classes and groups and hobbies. But in trying to cram so much into our lives, we’re actually deteriorating the quality of those lives. Slowly eliminate commitments — pick 4-5 essential ones, and realize that the rest, while nice or important, just don’t fit right now. Politely inform people, over time, that you don’t have time to stick to those commitments.

Try these things out. Life is better when unrushed. And given the fleeting nature of this life, why waste even a moment by rushing through it?

Remember the quote above: if nature can get everything done without rushing, so can you.